BELLA: *Is having a dream* Grandma? OMG Grandma, you're dead! So nice to see you!
BELLA: Oh no, he's walking into the conveniently placed sunbeam that separates him from me and Gran! He'll sparkle, and Gran will know his horrible secret!
[Suddenly, it is revealed that Bella is actually standing in front of a mirror and that the woman she thought was Gran, is actually herself]
BELLA: *Wakes up* FUCK! It's my 18th birthday!
BELLA: My life sucks because it's my birthday and now I'm old and my parents gave me thoughtful birthday presents and I'm so annoyed with them.
ALICE: Hi Bella! I'm awesome! I mean, er...Happy Birthday!
BELLA: *Long suffering sigh* Oh em gee, didn't I tell you I didn't want anyone fussing over me? GAWD
ALICE: Birthdays should be celebrated in all their glory! Also, I'm awesome!
BELLA: Whataver. I'm old now, older than Edward. By a whole year. SADNESS FALLS UPON ME.
[Bella momentarily forgets she's so distraught when she sees Edward. He smiles at her or something, and then the reader suffers through three pages of descriptions of Edward's beauty. Because omg ya'll, she's so not worthy of him and all that shiznit. He's a fucking "forgotten pagan god of beauty," with "liquid topaz eyes" and "perfect, formal articulation." Kill me now, plz]
ALICE: *Is still more awesome than Bella* So you're coming to our house tonight, right? RIGHT?
BELLA: NO. I don't want a party heralding another year closer to my inevitable death all because Edward is a PUSSY and won't turn me into a hella awesome vampire. I hate today. I'm not going anywhere!
EDWARD: We'll be there by 7, Alice. No worries.
ALICE: Awesome sauce! See you then, Bella!
[Bella spends the rest of the school day trying to find someway to get out of going to the Cullens house. Because having a bunch of beautiful people with lots of money dote on you and shower you with expensive presents and food for a whole night is the worst thing to happen to anyone. Ever.]
Night, Bella's House
BELLA: We will now watch Romeo and Juliet
EDWARD: Okay, but first let me kiss you and then push you away when you try to kiss back. I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU BELLA YOU CAN'T GET TOO CLOSE TO ME.
BELLA: Oh, Edward, your touch makes my heart stutter (literally) and your breath smells so sweet I get dizzy. Will I ever get used to your dazzling presence?
EDWARD: *Is smug* No.
BELLA: Okay, let's watch the movie.
[They do. Bella cries. Edward laughs at her tears.]
EDWARD: Romeo's so lucky. He's mortal and can off himself so easily. I wish I could do that.
BELLA: Why would you want to kill yourself????
EDWARD: Dumbass, I can't live without you. I'd kill myself rather than be alone without you to obsessively stalk. I'd offer myself up to the Vultori.
BELLA: No! Don't ever say such things! Wait, what's the Vultori?
EDWARD: They're a group of ancient vampires that we've allowed to become our version of royalty. They're very powerful---
BELLA: WHATEVER. I'm sure this won't be important later on down the road. The point is, you can't kill yourself because I love you.
EDWARD: But I'd kill myself because I love you!
BELLA: Would you want me to kill myself for you?
EDWARD: That's different!
BELLA: You can't kill yourself!
EDWARD: But I can't live without you!
ME: OMG STFU WE GET IT YOU LOVE EACH OTHER. Next page plz!
Next Page, Cullen Household
CULLENS: HAPPY BIRTHDAY BELLA! We love you and have graciously accepted you into our family even though you are a mortal and your knowledge of our existence puts us all in danger. Please accept these tokens of our affections on this joyous day.
BELLA: This is so AWFUL. I hate being the center of attention NO ONE LOOK AT ME. Don't you get it that I'm 18 and old and one day soon Edward will leave me because I'll be all wrinkley and gross and OMG I don't want to go to college or live my life or ANYTHING I just want to be a vampire with my one true love?!
Bella: Whatever. Give me the stupid box if you must.
[Bella takes the box and begins unrwapping it but lo and behold! The seemingly innocent wrapping paper is actually edged with diamond shards or SOMETHING because she cuts herself on it SO DEEP that a single drop of blood wells up.]
ALL HELL: *Breaks loose*
EDWARD: *Stands in between Bella and a suddenly rabid Jasper* YOU! SHALL NOT! PASS!
JASPER: Preciousssssssssss blood!
BELLA: *Has somehow managed to fall upon some shards of glass and cut up her arm (AGAIN)*
END OF CHAPTER ONE