lyrique86 (lyrique86) wrote,

New Moon (Again)

As I'm reading this book, I came to a horrible realization: It's not THAT poorly written.  In actuality, Edward and Bella just really, really SUCK.  Like, when the plot is NOT on them, and that's very rare, I find myself getting pulled into the story.  Granted, I'm only on chapter 2, so this revelation might change really quickly.

New Moon

Chapter Two

JASPER: *frothing at the mouth* Mmmmmmm bloooooood

EDWARD: *crouching over Bella protectively or something*

BELLA: *IS JUST SITTING THERE OOZING BLOOD.  WTF Bella?  Get out of the damn house or something!  IDIOT*

CARLISLE:  Okay everyone just calm the fuck down.

NO ONE: *Is calm*

CARLISLE: Okay, new plan.  Get Jasper out of the house.

[ Jasper is dragged kicking and screaming out of the house by Emmett, Rosalie, and Esme, all of whom are overwhelmed by the sweet, sweet funk of Bella's blood, but are able to control it better.  This leaves Carlisle, who is a doctor and quite used to the smell of blood, Edward, who's obsessive and stalkerish when it comes to Bella so he can't leave her side, and Alice, who is just awesome]

EDWARD: Here, Bella, I will carry you the two feet to the kitchen table because you are weak and injured and cannot move on your own and I must take care of you.  YOU ARE A BABY BIRD, BELLA, AND I MUST CRADLE YOU CLOSE AND KEEP YOU FROM HARM

ALICE: Yeah, I'm going to be awesome and useful!  Here, Carlisle, is your black bag full of nifty doctor stuff.  I'll just drop it off in the kitchen on my way out, kay?  I need some fresh air; it smells like a delicious buffet in here!  Love ya, Bella! *Leaves*

BELLA:  UGH, this is so horrible!  I've gone and completely ruined the entire evening with my mortal-ness.  This is all my fault!  I AM SO WORTHLESS.  Tell me about your past, Carlisle, so that the reader may see how awesome you are---I mean, to take my mind off of this because I'm SO DISTRAUGHT.

[ Carlisle talks about how he believes in God all because he has Edward in his life.  Edward, the first mortal he changed into a vampire.  His FIRST.  Edward, who is beautiful and perfect and had green eyes once and he's so beautiful, and Carlisle is ever so happy to call him "son."  His "son" is full of strength and goodness, and he has a "brightness that shines out of him."  Does this sound gay to ANYONE ELSE?  IS IT JUST ME???]

CARLISLE: So you see, Bella, Edward doesn't want to turn you into a vampire because he thinks we have no souls.  He doesn't want to condemn you to a soulless life.

BELLA: Edward can't decide what I do with my life!  It's my choice, and I CHOOSE to cut all ties with my family and friends and I CHOOSE not to go to college and make something of myself, and I CHOOSE to love and care about only Edward!  If he won't turn me, I'll find someone who will! *Eyes Carlisle specutively*

THAT RIGHT THERE: *Is a direct quote.  The MINUTE Edward's back is turned, she's eyeing another vampire.  Fucking slut*

EDWARD: Okay, Bella, time to take you home.

BELLA: Carlisle can take me home. *Is a slut*

Night, In Bella's Truck

SILENCE: *Is deafening*

TENSION: *Is thick*

BELLA:  OMG EDWARD FORGIVE MEEEEEEEE *Cries*  This is all my fault!

EDWARD:  Your fault?  If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, he could have held your hand while they stitched you up at the hospital!

BELLA: Wait, what?

ME: Yeah, what?

EDWARD:  Mike Newton is perfect for you.  You breath, he breaths--- I AM A MONSTER AND SO DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF

BELLA: No, Edward!  I'd rather die than by with anyone but you!

EDWARD: Don't be so dramatic, Bella.

POT: Hello, Kettle!  You're looking awfully black today!

BELLA: Stay with me tonight.

EDWARD:  Even though I am attracted to the scent of your blood, and you currently have an open wound, I shall spend the night with you.

Night, Bella's Room

BELLA: I will now open the rest of my presents in an effort to distract Edward from his own self-wallowing.

[Bella gets plane tickets to go visit her mom, but she's more excited that Edward's going with her than the idea that she gets to see her mom.  Also, she calls her mom Renee.  WTF Bella?  Just call her MOM like a normal teenager!  What's with this chronic Speshul Snowflake Syndrome?  Oh, also Edward gives her a CD of him playing the piano]

BELLA: Oh, Edward, this was the best birthday ever!  Now kiss me!

[They do.  It is strangely intense yet familiar]

EDWARD: *Pushes Bella away* No.  We mustn't!  Heaven forbid we open our mouths during a kiss thus allowing our tongues to touch!  That's so unseemly!

BELLA: Your kisses make my head spin.  Or maybe that's just the blood loss.  Kiss me again!

EDWARD: No means no and if you loved me, you would respect the boundaries I have set.  GAWD STOP PRESSURING ME, BELLA.  GO TO SLEEP.

[ Bella falls alseep in the cold, marble hard arms of her beloved Edward, but not before realizing the kiss reminded her of the time when Edward kissed her goodbye in the last book.  It was just like that desparate, painful, I-may-never-see-you-again kiss, you guys!  But why?  WHY?!]

FORESHADOWING: *Waves* What up, ya'll?

THIS PLOT: *Stabs poor, subtle Foreshadowing.  And then beats him over the head with a rock* Bwahahaha!


Tags: new moon gayness

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