lyrique86 (lyrique86) wrote,

New Moon Abridged (Chapter 3)

For the record, this in NO WAY even comes close to showing how very, very dumb this chapter was.  You cannot get the full effect unless you read it.  DON’T READ IT.  I was twitching, you guys.  This book made me twitch, even after I’d closed it and put it away for the night.  This is no longer funny.


Whatever, here I go



New Moon


Chapter 3


[Bella wakes up feeling gross.  Instead of worrying about the fact that she apparently lost enough blood as to still feel the effects the next morning, she worries about whether she looked pretty in her sleep.  Because Edward watches her while she sleeps.  All night.]


Morning, School


BELLA: Oh, something is wrong with Edward!  I can tell because his face is all wrong today.  I wonder what it could be?  I won’t ask him though; talking out our problems will only make things worse, everyone knows that.


EDWARD: How do you feel today, Bella?


BELLA: Wonderful.  I was attacked by someone I trust and split open my arm and lost 2 pints of blood, but I’m just DANDY.


EDWARD: *Either believes her or just doesn’t care (My vote is on the latter)* Yeah…great…


BELLA: So…I couldn’t help but notice none of your other brothers or sisters are in school today.  What’s up with that?


EDWARD: Oh…they’re…away.


BELLA: It’s not because of ME is it?  I couldn’t POSSIBLY be the cause of all of this right?  RIGHT?


EDWARD: No---Yes---No….Mmmmmno?




[During the school day, Bella gets increasingly more agitated as Edward emotionally pulls further and further away.  Instead of trying to calm his true love’s fears, Edward remains aloof and indifferent, only doing and saying the bare minimum required to still be considered a boyfriend]


BELLA:   *Inwardly panics about the downward spiral of their relationship*


EDWARD: *Is aloof and distant*




[This goes on for THREE DAYS.  Why?  Because Bella and Edward are retarded.  During this time, the reader has the good fortune of listening to Bella whine and angst and worry about things that should (and are!) obvious to anyone with half a brain]


BELLA: Edward only said two words to me today and only kissed my forehead once and OMG our love is falling apart and I have no idea why!  Is it because Jasper attacked me?  Is it because Edward has realized how very dangerous his world is to my frail and fragile mortal coil?  Is it because he’s warring with his deep love for me and desire to spend eternity with me, and his unwillingness to turn me into a vampire?  I JUST DON’T KNOW YOU GUYS.  Why is love SO confusing?!


EDWARD: Hey, I’m not going to stay the night today, kay?  I’ll just watch some TV and be on my way.  See you


BELLA: “See you.”  OMG IS THAT A CODE?  See like sea?  Like the seaside?  Edward are you hinting that we’re going to go away just the two of us until this all blows over?  I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME.


[To distract herself from her emo angsting, Bella decides to use the gifts her parents gave her; a camera and a scrapbook.  So she takes pictures of her room and her truck and her house, because she has this FEELING that things are going to change and she needs these pictures to remind her of how things once were.  Please note that she takes no pictures with or of her friends, and only two pictures of her dad.  CAPTURING THE ESSENCE OF THE SURROUNDING FOREST IS MORE IMPORTANT TO HER THAN HER OWN FATHER YA’LL]


BELLA:   I have developed the film and come to two horrible realizations.  One, something is horribly wrong with Edward.  You can tell because in this picture his eyes are warm and full of tolerant amusement, and in this one his eyes are cold and careful.  But number two, and more importantly, Edward is so breathtakingly beautiful.  And I am so average!  He looks like a god, while I am shamefully plain.  I’m so distraught!


After School, Bella’s House


EDWARD: Bella, you will go for a walk with me now.


BELLA: *Is pulled along to the edge of the forest (Meyer’s words not mine.  Edward pulls her to the forest.  Bella does not get a say.  AND THIS IS CONSIDERED LOVE)*


Note: This next part will contain only quotes found directly in this chapter so you may all see how MESSED UP this relationship is


EDWARD: Bella, we’re leaving.


BELLA:  When you say we---


EDWARD: I mean my family and myself.


BELLA: Okay, I’ll come with you.


EDWARD: My world is not for you.


BELLA: You promised!  In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay---


EDWARD:  As long as that was best for you.


BELLA: This is about my soul, isn’t it?!  You can have my soul.  I don’t want it without you—It’s yours already!


EDWARD:  Bella, I don’t want you to come with me.


BELLA: You…don’t…want me?


EDWARD: Of course I’ll always love you…in a way.


BELLA: Don’t do this.


EDWARD: You’re not good for me, Bella.


BELLA: If…that’s what you want.


EDWARD:  I promise that this will be the last time you see me.  It will be as if I’d never existed.  Don’t worry, you’re human--your memory is more like a sieve.  I won’t forget.  But my kind…we’re very easily distracted.  That’s everything, I suppose.  We won’t bother you again.  Goodbye, Bella.


[SO TRAGIC YOU GUYS!  So Edward leaves Bella all alone in the middle of the forest and Bella freaks out and goes stumbling off, walking aimlessly and falling often.  Finally, it gets dark and she trips again, but doesn’t get back up this time.  She just lies there on the ground.  In the middle of the forest.  At night.  She does have enough sense to notice that, holy crap, it’s really freaking dark tonight, almost like when there’s no moon.  That must be it, THERE’S A NEW MOON TONIGHT.  And Bella continues to lie there in the dark, and then it starts raining but all Bella can feel is the numbing pain of her broken heart]




BELLA: He’s gone he’s gone he’s gone he’s gone he’s gone he’s gone he’s gone he’s gone he’s gone he’s gone---

THAT RIGHT THERE: *Is also straight from the book.  OMG WHY IS THIS BOOK SO FULL OF DUMB*


SOME DUDE IS REVEALED TO BE ONE OF THE INJUN MEN NAMED SAM: Yeaaaah, I’m just going to take you home, okay?


[Sam carries Bella out of the forest to her dad, who then carries her into the house where a doctor is waiting]


DOCTOR:  Bella, are you hurt?


BELLA:  Well, you just found me lying all alone in the dark and rain in the middle of the forest, but I’m fine.  Really.


DOCTOR:  Welp, I’m convinced!  I’ll just let myself out, kay?


THAT RIGHT THERE: *Really happened.  WHUT WHUT*


CHARLIE: Bella, did Edward leave you in the woods?




CHARLIE: Bella, did Edward leave you in the middle of the forest?




CHARLIE: Bella---


BELLA: LALALALA NOT LISTENING!  I’m going to my room now!


[Bella does, and notices that everything, everything relating to Edward in some way is gone.  Pictures, CD’s, everything.]


BELLA:  He said he wanted it to be as if he’d never existed, but I didn’t realize he’d be so thorough.  Huuuuurrr, pain like I’ve never felt before consumes me!  I can’t handle it; it’s too much.  MY LIFE IS OVER.  I will now go numb.  The last four pages of this chapter will be COMPLETELY BLANK.  Because MY LIFE is blank and meaningless without my Edward.  Let that be a lesson to women everywhere: YOU, AND EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU, IS COMPLETELY DEVOID OF MEANING UNLESS YOU HAVE A MAN IN YOUR LIFE.


OCTOBER: *Passes*


NOVEMBER: *Passes*


DECEMBER: *Passes*


JANUARY: *Passes*

THE READER: *Just flipped through four fucking blank pages symbolizing Bella's own emptiness and the pointlessness of her world now that Edward is gone*



Kill me now, plz

Tags: new moon gayness

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